Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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