My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
