I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize
