For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
