I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
