Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My life is pants optional.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
