I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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