i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
