Your dad touched me again.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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