Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
