I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
