Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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