So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
