Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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