i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
