nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
