Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
