I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
