How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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