Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
How's work?
Spinning.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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