I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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