a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
