yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
