Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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