I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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