bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
