just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
