Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
