he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
