Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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