the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
