god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
