There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
