he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
