This is not my ceiling
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
