I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
