She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
