How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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