yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
