I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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