I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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