if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
