Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
