have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
