Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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