His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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