I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
