At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
