Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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