I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
