I molested 6 butterflies tonight
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
